Is she straight, bi or just bored?
What to do when your best friend treats her gf crappy, lies, hold double standards, one step from actual cheating? I honestly wouldn’t try getting involved if she didn’t makes me part of these lies. I’ve pulled away because she can’t even hang out at a bar with me without it being a lie to her gf. Like instead of telling her gf that she drunkenly fell asleep in the park next to her apt, she made a huge lie where I dragged her to a girls house so I could get laid & left her in the car all night. —Begrudging Bestie
Dear Begrudging Bestie,
You are entitled to be friends with people who treat you like you want to be treated. Just want to make that clear off the bat. There are two key issues at hand: lying for a best friend, and being made to look like an asshole by your best friend.
We all have a unique ethical blueprint that designates what behavior we view as acceptable or unacceptable. We’ve never kicked it so I’m not aware of your degree of moral relativity and will assume it’s parallel to my own. Lying is a fundamental part of human interaction. You probably lie all the time for your own benefit, so don’t be cheap about lying for others. Is it annoying that your bestie expects you to lie for her regularly? Yes. Is it wrong? Eh. Not really. Unlike business relationships, where you can be very clear that you’re only doing something for someone else in order to get something in return, platonic and romantic relationships require at least the illusion of unconditional generosity. We buy drinks for our poor friends, listen to our heartbroken friends, and lie for our cheating friends under the unspoken understanding that they would (and eventually will) do the same for us.
As friends, it’s not our place to judge. It’s our place to provide unconditional acceptance and a damn good time. You don’t really care that your bestie is lying to her girlfriend because you- like any good friend- put your bestie’s happiness far above her girlfriend’s happiness. That’s ok! You can’t care about everyone. But for the few who matter, you’ve got to be ride or die.
Ride or die means never saying, “My homegirl is cheating on you.”
Which brings us to issue number two: A best friend who makes you look like a dick to disguise her own dickishness. If it’s an isolated incident, whatever, we all take a bullet for someone else at some point. But it sounds like your bestie has made a habit of using you and that is seriously uncool. Even if she’s only making you look like a dick to her girlfriend, who is being cheated on and therefore in no place to judge your judgement.
So what do you do?
Option A is weak and Option B is brash. Both end with the loss of your dignity or best friend. So I suggest Option C: turning an uncomfortable situation to your own advantage. For example: I like smoking cigarettes but they are bad for me so I don’t buy packs of cigarettes. Instead I give my roommate a dollar every time I want to bum one of hers. The next time your bestie wants to use you to save her own skin, ask for something in return. Dinner, drinks, a night of wingmanning, back massage, car wash, whatever. This will teach her the value of your sacrifices, and will prevent you from being eaten alive by resentment. Plus you won’t lose a friend! You win. She wins. Everyone wins. Except for her girlfriend. But she was never going to win.
Verdict: Your best friend has some beezy tendencies that need to be curbed. Don’t ditch. Don’t snitch. Do stand up for yourself. Her bullshit is your bullshit. Your bullshit is her bullshit. She is oversharing her bullshit so now it’s time for you to dish out a big ol’ serving of YOUR bullshit.
I’m a bisexual girl in her early twenties who goes out a decent amount with her friends. I don’t outwardly look to hook up with someone, but if the opportunity arises then I’d usually go for it. I’ve found this effective when it comes to guys, but not really with girls. When I try for more than just a hook up, I usually don’t get a second glance. I’ve come to realize that it is hard for gay girls to tell that I’m bi, which I find slightly bizarre because a decent portion of guys think I’m gay. That opinion usually changes when I’m assertive.
All that being said, how can I get gay girls to look in my direction. Pretty much, how do I combat my shyness for girls that I don’t usually possess for the opposite sex?
Anonymous asked: I really like this girl and she likes me, but I'm worried about dating her because I'm not out to my super conservative parents and I don't know what to do. If I wasn't still in high school it'd be different. I need help.
Sneak around. Have sleepovers. If you don’t want to tell your parents, don’t, just wait till you’re safely at college. When you’re at home, your parents are rulers and you don’t want to piss off the people with absolute power over you. Make it a game! Pretend you’re bonding over the bible or young republicans or abstinence and have fun playacting. After they go to bed, you get to sleep with your girlfriend! Yay!
I’m a lemons into lemonade sort of girl. Take unfortunate realities (conservative parents) and make them into entertainment (sneaking around, sex during sleepovers, deluding your parents into thinking the girl you fingerbang is down with Jesus).
They don’t want to know. Really.
You are not obliged to share your sexual orientation with anyone, especially people who might use their power to punish or prevent your queerness.
Fuck that noise.
I’ve recently developed a crush on a pansexual, single friend of mine. I’m not usually emotionally attracted to people the way I am to her (and, you know, her being hot doesn’t hurt). We’re pretty touchy feely with each other and she usually seems so happy to see me that when she doesn’t pay special attention to me I fall into that 80-year, Pablo Neruda-quoting cycle of despair you once detailed. She’s really special and I want to go for it, put I am usually attracted to people who are assertive and act on their own feelings very clearly. I have no idea if we’re friendly or flirting and terrified of rejection. Is there a way to let her know I’m interested without wearing a sign that flashes “platonic” or “super gay” for every interaction I have?
Advice on clean breaks and new beginnings.
Hi Anna, I have always thought I was a lesbian (or at least bisexual). I’ve had crushes on several girls, but they were all straight. The only lesbians I’ve ever met have already been in a relationship. Because of this, I ended up dating men and marrying a man. We’ve been married for five years, and as time passes I keep feeling that I made a mistake. What do I do? How do you know for sure if you are a lesbian or not?
I know I’m not supposed to say this, but I wish gay women had more rules. Say what you will about heteros—Lord knows I do—but at least those beezies have a dating blueprint. All gay women have is The L Word. I’ve never seen a lesbian movie or TV show analyze how long to wait before sleeping with a new woman. Lesbians of my generation take a lackadaisical approach to sex and dating that probably stems from growing up in the hookup culture combined with, “Fuck it, we’re gay — it’s not like anyone expects us to wait until marriage.” The upside of no rules is doing whatever you want. The downside of no rules having no fucking clue what you’re doing or what you want or if what you want is what you’re supposed to want and what you will want in the long run (i.e. tomorrow morning).
Personally, I’m torn. Both casual hookups and chastity have their relative merits. For the first few years of my twenties, shortly after coming to terms with my own gayness, my attitude towards sex was similar to a child’s attitude towards ice cream cake: more is more. Actually that’s still my attitude towards ice cream cake. Apologies to any girls out there who resent being compared to ice cream cake. The hookups took their toll, as false intimacy always will. I was careless with myself and others. I hardened.
After a while I got sick of hurting the girls who cared for me, and being hurt by those who couldn’t care less. So came another extreme: chastity. For six months, maybe more, I didn’t sleep with anyone. It was super boring. Now I straddle the line between decadent girl gluttony and puritanical abstinence with uneasy balance, always trying to find that perfect yet elusive spot between too little and too much. To balance out this piece, I conducted an informal poll of my peers for tips to find that sexy sweet spot when its OK to slut it up (Lawd I love alliteration).
Here are seven tips for knowing the right time for sexy time.
1. You aren’t going to run into her constantly.
Call me closed off, but I don’t want to sleep with anyone I’ll have to constantly see. There’s few moments more awkward than the moment you see that girl who slept with you, then never texted again. Or maybe you’ll never want to text her again! Either way, it’s best to sleep with someone not entangled in your social circle. Then no matter how poorly or wonderfully the relationship goes, it can progress naturally with both women’s consent.
2. You could send her a nude selfie without fear.
Hella beta, I know, but also hella true: being comfortable around someone naked is a great barometer for how really you are to have sex with that person. Don’t get confused: I’m not suggesting you send girls nudes. You shouldn’t, especially to strange girls you don’t trust, especially if you are underage. I’m just saying that if you’re 100% sure that a girl wouldn’t share the image of your bod with the world no matter how hot that bod is, she’d probably treat your body right. By the way if you must send nudes, make sure your face isn’t visible. You’ll thank me later.
3. You know her full name by heart.
Does this conversation sound familiar?
“How are things going with that girl?”
“Oh yeah her. Ok I guess.”
“What’s her name again.”
“Do you not know her name?”
“Give me a minute… MANDY. Her name is Mandy!
“No idea, I’d have to check Facebook.”
If that conversation sounds familiar, STOP, do not pass go, do not sleep with Mandy until you know her last and middle name. You should not have to Facebook search your paramour’s last name.
4. She bought you dinner.
Or lunch. Or planned a romantic date. Or made you an adorable surprise. Basically she put in a noticeable amount of effort into pleasing you. Raise your expectations and keep them high: You deserve someone who tries.
5. You’re comfortable with them hearing you snore.
I really, really hate to admit this, but I’m a delicate-ish snorer. Blame it on a slightly deviated septum inside my otherwise excellent upturned nose. If someone’s sexing, then spending the night, I need to know they can hear my ladylike wheezing and still be attracted to me. This requires trust. How do you know you trust someone? When you let them hear you snore. BOOM.
6. You aren’t blacked out or even browned out.
Two quick definition for you dreary, emotionally stable souls who never over-indulge in satan’s brew.
Blacked out: When you wake up and don’t remember anything from a certain point in the night onward.
Browned out: When you wake up and can remember snippets from the night, but not the entire night, past a certain point.
Don’t have sex with someone for the first time when you’re drunk. They can tell, even if you can’t. Three drinks max pre-sex, no shots.
7. She’s said, “I really like you.”
Hearing a girl say “I really like you” melts my frozen heart. Hold out for the “really“—I like you isn’t enough. Girls should like smoothies and really like the girls they sleep with.
What do you think? How do you know when it’s cool to sex up a lady?
Most people who meet me find me outgoing and confident, but put me in front of a pretty girl and I just don’t know how to act. There’s this girl I see all the time, and I know she’s friends with my friends but as soon as I see her I get nervous and try to find other people to talk to and pretend I’m being all aloof and mysterious. Really I know I have loads to talk about, but I don’t know what to say. How do I go from being a random girl to cool and savvy? All my friends know I’m totally weird but they say they love my confidence. I just don’t want her first impression of me to be, “So she finally said hello and now she’s looking at me funny.” A little advice?
My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly a year and a half and things could not be going smoother. We love and support each other, my friends like her, my mom likes her, most of her family likes me. The only problem is with her mother. She does not like having a bisexual daughter and likes that we’re together even less (I’m the first girl my girlfriend has dated). If you asked her mother what she thought about LGBTQ people, she would say she’s pro gay rights, pro same-sex marriage, belongs to a very progressive faith community, etc. However, when it comes to my relationship with her daughter, she tells her it’s not real, that she’s only dating me because I “paid her any attention,” that she’ll grow out of it and find a man, and that the only way she can handle this is to pretend it doesn’t exist (she even ignored me when I came to meet the family). It’s putting a strain on their relationship (her mother won’t admit that either) and while I do my best to support my GF, I feel so powerless. Our relationship is only getting more serious and I’d like to at least have a cordial relationship with her whole family, but is there anything I can do?