Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Alison DiLaurentis punched the space-time continuum in the teeth and knocked it out long enough for her to: fly from Hilton Head to Philadelphia (like literally fly; as in, she was the pilot of the plane); visit Jenna in blindness rehab; take a cab to Rosewood; rent a storage locker for one of her many lunchboxes full of clues; hide the key to the storage locker in a doll’s head in Emily’s bedroom; make some porn with Ian at the kissing rock; entertain visits from Jason, Cece, Melissa, Byron, Jenna, Garrett, and Spencer in her backyard; attend a sleepover with her high school best friends; rub Toby’s DNA all over her monogrammed friendship bracelet; and get clonked in the head and buried alive and pulled up out of the dirt like a winter tulip by a psychic sorority mom who lived in the walls of Cicero College. Like in the span of what should have been a single Labor Day, Alison DiLaurentis accomplished all of that. And so much more.
"Alison has been missing for two years, she’s been gone for two years. She’s been alone for two years, and you will find out why she stayed gone all this time."
Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Spencer remembered that she didn’t remember most of the summer Ali went missing, due to whatever hallucinogens that really loud pharmacist adds to Adderall in Rosewood. One thing she did remember, however, was that she bashed Ali or someone who looks like Ali right in the face with a shovel, a thing that was apparently known by literally everyone in the very incestuous Hastings-DiLaurentis clan. Aria told Ezra to take a hike off the edge of the world. Hanna didn’t get the memo that Caleb’s show was cancelled. And Emily found out that Paige narced on Ali to the Rosewood PD
Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Spencer’s parents, who couldn’t have been less fussed when she was waltzin’ with homosexual ghosts in an insane asylum, staged a tag-team intervention to help her kick her Adderall habit. Hanna kept Aria from jumping off a bridge, saved a semi-innocent man from going to jail, and still found time to throw down an inappropriate smooch on Detective Holbrook. Aria went berzerker all over Ezra’s apartment, just a-trashin’ and a-thrashin’ and a cry-cry-cryin’ buckets of tears. And Emily and Paige put each other into super gross, super impossible situations that ultimately resulted in Paige diming out Ali (anonymously) to the most incompetent police department in America.
Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Spencer staged an intervention to tell Aria she was dating Ali’s Board Shorts, but it turned into an intervention for Spencer because she was addicted to Adderall. Shana fled Rosewood after driving Emily all over town for secret meetings with Ali and coaxing Emily into retrieving some of the cash Ali had stashed here and there and in every porcelain doll head in Pennsylvania. Hanna made a move on Travis from the tow truck company, but Ashley intervened and took her to smash some plates instead of some hearts. And Ezra finally revealed to Aria that he dated Ali, knew who Aria was before he started dating her, and has been writing a “True Crime” novel about Ali’s fake death for the last two years, a thing that required an NSA level of secret surveillance on unsuspecting people, including all the Liars. There was a ski lift. Faces were made.
Pretty Little Liars star Troian Bellisario may be in love with Keegan Allen on the ABC Family series, but in the new Head and the Heart video for “Another Story,” she seems to be falling for a female friend. Sadly, it’s not as happy of an ending as we’d like to see. (Is it ever?)
Plus a “PLL” producer on tonight’s Paily’s noir romance and more!
Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Shana Costumeshop revealed herself as the Original Emily Fields and then drove our Emily Fields to an abandoned warehouse to meet up with a very alive Alison DiLaurentis. Spencer busted up their reunion by clanging together a bunch of pots and pans behind a pile of old tires, which spooked Ali into fleeing and caused Emily to almost propel her homicide count to two. Hanna dealt with her Caleb breakup by rebounding onto Travis’ lips/balls, but was rescued from her implosion by a plate-hurling Ashley. Ezra threw a Hobbit-sized fit in the middle of the street, smashing his tiny fists on a car and threatening to decapitate a blonde lady (his apparent favorite hobby) before stashing some knives in Kung Fu Jake’s kung fu kicking bag and sharing a brownie a la murder with Aria.
Let this be a lesson to all you gaymos out there: Emily Fields, nearly perfect and mostly Canadian though she most certainly is, does not always react Hufflepuffy to the charity of her friends and girlfriends. You get her a meeting with an Olympic swim team coach, she won’t make out with you for a month. You offer to help her shoulder her burdens, she shouts the word “FEELINGS” at you so loud your brain rattles around in your skull. You keep her from getting her heart figuratively and figuratively ripped from her chest by her reincarnated first dead girlfriend/first dead girlfriend’s axe-murderer, and you can absolutely forget about being invited to the movies. Which is to say that Emily is not hanging out with Spencer, and she’s not hanging out with Hanna because Hanna is still hanging out with Spencer.
For a group of young women who find themselves in constant mortal peril, the Pretty Little Liars sure have dropped some nuggets of wisdom on us over the last several years. In fact, I often find myself quoting them the way some people quote the Bible. How well do you know the Rosewoodian Proverbs? Who said it: A fortune cookie or a Pretty Little Liar?
Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Caleb returned to Rosewood to break up with Hanna because being best friends with a ghost for three years did not prepare her to understand how he is now best friends with a ghost. Ezra enticed Aria to go for a ride with him to his murder cabin by waving some feathers out the window of his car, all, “Hey, little girl…” Spencer agreed to help Toby help her dad shut down Radley for good, even though her brainspace and heartspace aren’t quite ready to let the secrets (and secret lesbian zombie waltzes!) of that place go. And Emily lost her damn mind trying to wrap it around the fact that the first murdered girl she loved had risen from the grave.