The path to It Gets Better is full of tears and fevers.
Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Alison DiLaurentis punched the space-time continuum in the teeth and knocked it out long enough for her to: fly from Hilton Head to Philadelphia (like literally fly; as in, she was the pilot of the plane); visit Jenna in blindness rehab; take a cab to Rosewood; rent a storage locker for one of her many lunchboxes full of clues; hide the key to the storage locker in a doll’s head in Emily’s bedroom; make some porn with Ian at the kissing rock; entertain visits from Jason, Cece, Melissa, Byron, Jenna, Garrett, and Spencer in her backyard; attend a sleepover with her high school best friends; rub Toby’s DNA all over her monogrammed friendship bracelet; and get clonked in the head and buried alive and pulled up out of the dirt like a winter tulip by a psychic sorority mom who lived in the walls of Cicero College. Like in the span of what should have been a single Labor Day, Alison DiLaurentis accomplished all of that. And so much more.
"Alison has been missing for two years, she’s been gone for two years. She’s been alone for two years, and you will find out why she stayed gone all this time."
Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Spencer remembered that she didn’t remember most of the summer Ali went missing, due to whatever hallucinogens that really loud pharmacist adds to Adderall in Rosewood. One thing she did remember, however, was that she bashed Ali or someone who looks like Ali right in the face with a shovel, a thing that was apparently known by literally everyone in the very incestuous Hastings-DiLaurentis clan. Aria told Ezra to take a hike off the edge of the world. Hanna didn’t get the memo that Caleb’s show was cancelled. And Emily found out that Paige narced on Ali to the Rosewood PD
Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Shana Costumeshop revealed herself as the Original Emily Fields and then drove our Emily Fields to an abandoned warehouse to meet up with a very alive Alison DiLaurentis. Spencer busted up their reunion by clanging together a bunch of pots and pans behind a pile of old tires, which spooked Ali into fleeing and caused Emily to almost propel her homicide count to two. Hanna dealt with her Caleb breakup by rebounding onto Travis’ lips/balls, but was rescued from her implosion by a plate-hurling Ashley. Ezra threw a Hobbit-sized fit in the middle of the street, smashing his tiny fists on a car and threatening to decapitate a blonde lady (his apparent favorite hobby) before stashing some knives in Kung Fu Jake’s kung fu kicking bag and sharing a brownie a la murder with Aria.
Let this be a lesson to all you gaymos out there: Emily Fields, nearly perfect and mostly Canadian though she most certainly is, does not always react Hufflepuffy to the charity of her friends and girlfriends. You get her a meeting with an Olympic swim team coach, she won’t make out with you for a month. You offer to help her shoulder her burdens, she shouts the word “FEELINGS” at you so loud your brain rattles around in your skull. You keep her from getting her heart figuratively and figuratively ripped from her chest by her reincarnated first dead girlfriend/first dead girlfriend’s axe-murderer, and you can absolutely forget about being invited to the movies. Which is to say that Emily is not hanging out with Spencer, and she’s not hanging out with Hanna because Hanna is still hanging out with Spencer.
For a group of young women who find themselves in constant mortal peril, the Pretty Little Liars sure have dropped some nuggets of wisdom on us over the last several years. In fact, I often find myself quoting them the way some people quote the Bible. How well do you know the Rosewoodian Proverbs? Who said it: A fortune cookie or a Pretty Little Liar?
Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Caleb returned to Rosewood to break up with Hanna because being best friends with a ghost for three years did not prepare her to understand how he is now best friends with a ghost. Ezra enticed Aria to go for a ride with him to his murder cabin by waving some feathers out the window of his car, all, “Hey, little girl…” Spencer agreed to help Toby help her dad shut down Radley for good, even though her brainspace and heartspace aren’t quite ready to let the secrets (and secret lesbian zombie waltzes!) of that place go. And Emily lost her damn mind trying to wrap it around the fact that the first murdered girl she loved had risen from the grave.
Previously on Pretty Little Liars, four friends suffered years of physical and psychological torture at the hands of their dead best friend’s time-traveling ghost and her army of minions, which consisted of human beings in various states of adrenalized hyperreality, at least one half-blind half-cyborg, and a parrot. After making sure they were run under by cars, poisoned, broken-hearted, hospitalized, institutionalized, hijacked, kidnapped, buried, hypnotized, blown up, drowned, massaged, closeted, shamed, arrested, burned up, and blasted into outer space, the time-traveling ghost revealed herself as a living, breathing not-ghost who just wanted to come home and sleep in the bed her mother had been keeping warm for her.
Just in time for last night’s season premiere of Pretty Little Liars, Marissa Farina of LezBeOnTalk discusses the pros and cons of dating each Liar for AfterEllen.com. Who would you date? Aria, Spencer, Emily or Hanna? Let us know & watch more of Marissa here!